My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
