Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
