I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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