I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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