After last night, I could never be a politician.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Randomize
