im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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