I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
