How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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