I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
