Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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