Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
