Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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