I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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