Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
