someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
