mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
