I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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