im gay
i know
yea but for you.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
