Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
