Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
