You're my little dorito
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i've created a new STD.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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