she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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