I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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