the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
