why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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