Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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