fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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