Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
