What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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