maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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