You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
