I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
