I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
