Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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