if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
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