I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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