Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
