I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
