At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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