I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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