Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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