and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
