just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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