Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
