I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
