i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
