i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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