I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
