quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
