The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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