i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
