What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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