Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
