He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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