ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
