at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
