My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
