The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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