Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
