im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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