You can't motorboat a personality
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize